Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Darn you, Costco

I remember a rather colorful freshman boy who lived in a neighboring building my first year at BYU. One day his roommates related the story about how he had just stormed into Blockbuster, slammed the overdue movie on the counter and blared: "D@*# you Blockbuster and your five day rentals!!!" He claimed he was onto the conspiracy: Let them rent the movies for 5 days and of course by that time they'll forget they ever even rented a movie and the late fees will come rolling in!!!

Well, I had one of those moments the other day. We finally decided to break away from the parents and get our own Costco membership. It was always in Ryan's name, so he had to go in with me, and we all know that is definitely not happening anymore. And yes, we know you can have a spouse card. We tried going in to get me one when we were first married. The girl looks up our membership records, then looks up at us confused and says, "Um, you already have a wife and her name is Danielle" (his sister's name). Uh. How do you respond to that? Turn to Ryan and yell, "WHAT?!?! You lying cheat!!!" trying to make the woman suddenly feel uncomfortable? Explain that yeah, we're from Utah - that's just the way things are out there....?

So anyway, we finally decided to get our own. So on Saturday I had one of those rare moments when I was by myself. I did my shopping. Honestly, it didn't feel much different from any of our other Costco trips. I remember deliberately passing up items to save money. I remember feeling like we always buy a ton of stuff there. When I got to the register the woman rang me up. And then, my jaw hit the floor. I mean, we all know you can't get out of Costco without spending at least a hundred dollars. But five of them????? I knew it had been a beastly trip, but Costco always is. I knew I really wished I had two carts with me. I knew I hadn't been since we moved and needed to stock up. I knew we had company in town so we'd eat a little more than usual. I knew I wouldn't be back for quite a while, but GASP?!?!?

My first thought was: put on your hoodie and RUN!!! Leave it all behind and just RUN!!! My second thoughts were: Ryan is going to kill me. Will someone else take me in for the weekend? But then I reached my final thought: D@*# you, Costco and your ridiculous-sized products!!!!!

Looking at my receipt I still can't figure out how it got so high. It seems like pretty much everything you buy there is around $10 (although everything is getting more expensive now). I mean, we do have to buy multiple boxes of diapers. But then there were other culprits, like razor heads. Good night. Have you ever bought those there? $40 for freaking razor heads!! We buy the Mach 3 kind or whatever it is, but good grief. My leg hairs better not grow back for a month at that price. At least I'll still be using the same package when I'm 45.

I actually felt I had to buy the toaster pastries there. Seems like something I could have cut out, right? No, I had to buy them just for the principle of the fact that they were the cheapest thing I saw in the whole store. The only thing in the store that goes for $2-something. Maybe we will just be eating toaster pastries from now on.

Ugh. I know it's a ridiculous place. Like who needs 75 rolls of paper towels at one time? Who wants to be discovering them shoved underneath cracks in the floorboards years later? Who can eat 8 pounds of spinach before it goes bad? (Personal note: Why did I EVER buy a Costco-sized box of condoms?? Especially for someone who's usually on birth control? (I know, you can't tell.) Do you know how many cross-country moves that box has made???)

Anyway, I know you don't care what I think, Costco. You will go on packaging up 18,000 rolls of scotch tape in one box because somebody else will always fall for it. I know you will continue to let people think, "Hey, I'm only buying 5 items," and then slap them with a $200 bill. And I'm sure I will begrudgingly be back soon. Because now I have to get my money's worth out of my membership fee.

12 comments:

todd & nicole said...

That post was great, it had me laughing so hard and a night before surgery it was totally needed. Costco keeps trying to get the Executive Membership because we spend so much, but most of it comes from taking two of my friends with me when I go.

Kimi said...

Costco size box of condoms, that's classic.

Lu Lu said...

They offered me an Executive Membership and I only had 2 items. Guess they are getting desperate. But Jen, you totally got me beat. My first time there I think it was around $400. I think I almost busted the cart. Guess Costco's condoms aren't all that effective...take note of that. Maybe its kind of like buying Scott's bath tissue.

Anonymous said...

How funny! Did you get water? You could think of it as hurricane preparation. Surely something, many things, you bought have come in handy this week when you were all hunkered down.

Much love to ALL!
Grammy

The Spendloves said...

I have a co-worker that considers it a challenge to get out of Costco for under $100. So on those rare days when my bill is below $100 I feel so triumphant like I just completed some difficult feat. Then I look at my shopping cart and realize I spend $95 on 7 things... 7 things!! But like you said, those 7 things will last you for three years... hopefully... if they don't go bad.

Gavin and Shawna McEwan said...

We don't have Costco here...but Sam's is the same. The other day I walked out with a $160 bill and 3 things. Not even anything exciting and fun or new and electronic. Just lame old necessities. It just feels so much better to get a little for a little money than a lot for a lot of money. I know its irrational...but its all a mind-trick.
Can you imagine when those 3 boys of yours are 3 big eating teenagers??!!!!

steveandjonelle said...

Tell me about it! We went to Costco last week to restock since moving to Michigan. . . .Several hudnred dollars later I have decided that some things you just don't want in bulk.. .

Jenilee said...

Well said! I am right there with you. The money all balances out in the end, right? I sure hope so.

Krista said...

you crack me up, I wish you were my neighbor, I could listen to you for hours. Love the pictures of the twins and their bottles, I miss that stage...of course I can say that now, since my twins are 3! Good Luck with the costco purchases, I would shop there for diapers and formula thinking I was saving money, but then everything just would end up in my cart. so in reality I should of just gone to a Walgreens for the diapers and stuff, So I wouldn't of been so tempted by all the yummy things at Costco.

Anonymous said...

Hello

Sharon said...

That was hilarious!

Julie said...

That was so funny! I completely agree. We are still packing around the condoms too! :)