We just watched "Confessions of a Shopaholic" last night. I was thinking about her description of how she felt when shopping - loved the feel of silk, loved the smells of the store, the exhilaration of your credit card going through, etc. I was thinking I wished I felt that way about shopping! Instead it's always automatic guilt. And then a secondary thought that I hope Ryan doesn't pay attention to this. :) Don't get me wrong - I love shopping for new clothes and finding something you look cute in, I just wish it could just be pure enjoyment - not overshadowed by feeling like I shouldn't be doing it. (Side note: even worse- I used to have my own savings account that used to draw on to pay off my Banana Republic card (which includes Gap and Old Navy). They were the ONLY two things I had left in my name alone - not joint with Ryan's. It was beautiful thing: I shopped, I spent, and I paid it all off - all without having to pass inspection from the hubby. BUT. The sad day finally came recently and my account has been drained!! And now I have to draw from the joint account to pay it off. Did my last speck of independence just die off?!)
Anyhow, I wonder if my guilt at shopping will ever change? I can't imagine it will. Because even if you have money, you may feel guilty that of course you don't really need whatever it is you're buying, and that you should be doing something better with your money anyway. (Seriously, can you imagine living in the old days and just washing your one dress day in and day out!?!) Not to say I don't shop, of course. Not to say I'm actually even restrained by my guilty conscience. I guess I'm far too used to it that I'm getting pretty good at just pushing right on past it. :) But really, I even feel guilty buying my kids clothes because I know there are kids that live with much less, and am I being vain that I want my kids to look cute?
Does anyone else feel like this? Do I have an overactive guilt mechanism? Maybe I just have a hard time balancing it. What's that old saying? Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without - is that how it goes? How do you balance that and the mentality that older generations had with the desire to look cute? And the never-ending female child-bearing cycle through sizes? Then you have to have a cute wardrobe in about 4 different sizes... and by the time you get back to the old size it's been so long that it's really all out of fashion by the time you're wearing it again!
Then on to the next one: exercise. Totally guilt motivated. That's probably why I'm a night exerciser. It get's to be 8 or 9pm and I'm like - dang. I ate so much crap today I have to exercise! I wish I could say it was for the love of health or the joy of activity. But nope. It's so I can eat whatever I want. Or rather, because I eat whatever I want.
And even time with my kids - I feel like a lot of it is driven by guilt - like man, I've been on the computer or so busy cleaning and I really feel bad I haven't been spending time with my kids. Not that I don't do it because I enjoy it, because of course I do, but it's usually guilt that reminds me.
But, there is one thing that I feel the same way the girl in the movie did about shopping - sleep. I love the feel of my four (yes four) pillows exactly in the right place. (Started when I was pregnant with the twins. Ryan wasn't happy that they didn't go away after the twins came.) I love putting in my ear plugs and pretending like I can't hear anything. (Don't worry - crying breaks it's way through any pair of earplugs). I love squirming around until I get every last body part settled perfectly (ok, my husband doesn't love this one either). I love going back to sleep after having to get up with a baby. I love the feeling of taking a nap. It's a little too bad that I married someone that loves sleep as much as me. It means we're constantly fighting over who gets to sleep in or take a nap, or arguing over who is more tired. It means no one is ever the one to just get up and get the kids without complaint. I've mentioned that we might actually have a really fabulous marriage if sleep isn't required in the next life. :) At least we understand each other, right? Anyhow, ahhhh, sleep. I love it.
BUT. Of course - I feel guilty that all those "good" moms out there are most certainly awake and being productive while I'm sleeping!! Think of all the things I could accomplish! Think of all the stimulating activities I could prepare for my kids or the books I could read on child rearing! Think of how I could actually get ready instead of sleeping until my kids are awake and then sticking them in front of the tv while I take a shower! But I don't. I sleep. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
Really. I need a new motivator.