Darn you, Costco

I remember a rather colorful freshman boy who lived in a neighboring building my first year at BYU. One day his roommates related the story about how he had just stormed into Blockbuster, slammed the overdue movie on the counter and blared: "D@*# you Blockbuster and your five day rentals!!!" He claimed he was onto the conspiracy: Let them rent the movies for 5 days and of course by that time they'll forget they ever even rented a movie and the late fees will come rolling in!!!

Well, I had one of those moments the other day. We finally decided to break away from the parents and get our own Costco membership. It was always in Ryan's name, so he had to go in with me, and we all know that is definitely not happening anymore. And yes, we know you can have a spouse card. We tried going in to get me one when we were first married. The girl looks up our membership records, then looks up at us confused and says, "Um, you already have a wife and her name is Danielle" (his sister's name). Uh. How do you respond to that? Turn to Ryan and yell, "WHAT?!?! You lying cheat!!!" trying to make the woman suddenly feel uncomfortable? Explain that yeah, we're from Utah - that's just the way things are out there....?

So anyway, we finally decided to get our own. So on Saturday I had one of those rare moments when I was by myself. I did my shopping. Honestly, it didn't feel much different from any of our other Costco trips. I remember deliberately passing up items to save money. I remember feeling like we always buy a ton of stuff there. When I got to the register the woman rang me up. And then, my jaw hit the floor. I mean, we all know you can't get out of Costco without spending at least a hundred dollars. But five of them????? I knew it had been a beastly trip, but Costco always is. I knew I really wished I had two carts with me. I knew I hadn't been since we moved and needed to stock up. I knew we had company in town so we'd eat a little more than usual. I knew I wouldn't be back for quite a while, but GASP?!?!?

My first thought was: put on your hoodie and RUN!!! Leave it all behind and just RUN!!! My second thoughts were: Ryan is going to kill me. Will someone else take me in for the weekend? But then I reached my final thought: D@*# you, Costco and your ridiculous-sized products!!!!!

Looking at my receipt I still can't figure out how it got so high. It seems like pretty much everything you buy there is around $10 (although everything is getting more expensive now). I mean, we do have to buy multiple boxes of diapers. But then there were other culprits, like razor heads. Good night. Have you ever bought those there? $40 for freaking razor heads!! We buy the Mach 3 kind or whatever it is, but good grief. My leg hairs better not grow back for a month at that price. At least I'll still be using the same package when I'm 45.

I actually felt I had to buy the toaster pastries there. Seems like something I could have cut out, right? No, I had to buy them just for the principle of the fact that they were the cheapest thing I saw in the whole store. The only thing in the store that goes for $2-something. Maybe we will just be eating toaster pastries from now on.

Ugh. I know it's a ridiculous place. Like who needs 75 rolls of paper towels at one time? Who wants to be discovering them shoved underneath cracks in the floorboards years later? Who can eat 8 pounds of spinach before it goes bad? (Personal note: Why did I EVER buy a Costco-sized box of condoms?? Especially for someone who's usually on birth control? (I know, you can't tell.) Do you know how many cross-country moves that box has made???)

Anyway, I know you don't care what I think, Costco. You will go on packaging up 18,000 rolls of scotch tape in one box because somebody else will always fall for it. I know you will continue to let people think, "Hey, I'm only buying 5 items," and then slap them with a $200 bill. And I'm sure I will begrudgingly be back soon. Because now I have to get my money's worth out of my membership fee.